I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
