i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
