someone threw a dead crab at me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
