theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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