The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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