theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
