hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
