omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We need to feng shui this bitch.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
