And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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