You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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