i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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