i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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