Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She told me I should be a condom model.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
