I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
