I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
