he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
