sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
