i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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