So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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