Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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