I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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