I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
