our cab driver is having phone sex.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
