i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
