Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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