You're so nebulous sometimes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
