My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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