There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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