We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
