He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
