i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
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I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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