I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
