dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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