Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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