just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
