I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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