At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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