please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize