U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
