Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
