just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
