I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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