I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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