I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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