Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
