some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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