Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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