i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
