There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
