i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
