I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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