So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
