I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
