I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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