please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the condom got lost in my hair
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
