it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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