I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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