I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
