i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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