What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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