Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
