I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize