she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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