Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
